My Hilarious Aunt Millie

Among my twenty Uncles and Aunts (all terrific), Aunt Millie has to rank among the funniest of them all. To wit:

One Saturday her husband, Uncle Mario, was reading the newspaper when Aunt Millie walked into the house soaked, head to foot, as though she’d been in a rainstorm. But it was a sunny day.

So he said, “What happened to you?”

She said, “I went to the car wash. It was the first time I ever went to a car wash. You can bet I’ll never go again. Never.”

“The car wash?”

“Yeah, the car wash. I drove up and paid, and my car starts going through. Then, with no warning, all of a sudden tons of water start pouring on my car. I got scared because I couldn’t see a thing, so I turned on my windshield wipers. Then, all of a sudden, this guy runs up waving his hands and yelling at me.

“I couldn’t hear what he was yelling, so I opened the window!”

One evening Uncle Mario arrived home from work and was disappointed to see dinner wasn’t ready, whereas it normally was. So he said to Aunt Mille, “How come? What happened, no dinner ready.”

Bustling around in the kitchen, Aunt Millie retorts: “Dinner not ready, and you’re complaining? Do you know what my day is like? Well let me tell you.

“First, I have to get the kids off to school, then I have to clean the house and make the beds, next I have to do the laundry, then the ironing, then go out and do the food shopping, then watch out for the kids coming home, see what they’re up to, then get the food ready for dinner, start the oven, and make the salad. For God’s sake, I haven’t even got time to wipe my ass!”


One year Aunt Millie decided to volunteer at the local hospital. To help out the nurses and help take care of the patients. Sometimes read to them, sometimes get them some food.

Everything was going along fine, especially with one poor soul who, as a result of an accident, had to have one of his legs amputated. His name was George. He and Aunt Millie struck up a good friendship and traded stories about family as he was recovering and getting used to his situation. It was this, it was that, jokes and stories.

But one day he was in a bad mood because of his handicap, and the more he thought about it, the angrier he got. He told Aunt Millie all about the accident and said he was going to get a lawyer to sue the other driver.

“You’re going to sue?” asked Aunt Millie. “You don’t want to sue. You haven’t got a leg to stand on!”


Samuel Jay novels are full of suspense, twists and turns. Said a Writer’s Digest reviewer: “Move over John Grisham. Samuel Jay is a masterful storyteller.”

One Thought on “My Hilarious Aunt Millie

  1. Loved it! Shadow of Guilt kept me glued to my chair. The depth of the chararacters, the way they talked, made me feel I was right there in the story! I can’t wait for the movie!

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